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i, libertine

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[27 Jul 2005|03:31pm]
Once, and but once found in thy company,
All thy supposed escapes are laid on me.

--John Donne

"Maybe I loved him. I thought I did. As much as I knew what the word means.

But all I knew for certain was that I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted to be with him all the time. And yet when I was with him that wasn't enough either. I wanted to look at him and touch him and have him touch me and hear him talk and tell him things and do things together with him. All the time. Day and night.

A for instance: He would leave me alone in the shop. I'd wait on edge for him to come back. Customers must have thought I had some sort of convulsive twitch because my head and eyes would keep darting towards the door every few seconds. But they couldn't have been mistaken about what was going on when Mister Wonderful hove into view again, because then I went to pieces. Lost my grip entirely on what I was supposed to be doing and had eyes for nothing but him till I got used to him being there again.

At first I tried to stop myself. But I couldn't. It was a compulsion, an obsession. Irresistable. After a while I gave up caring how I behaved or who thought what about me. Trying to hide how I felt was too much strain, and I wasn't succeeding anyway. So I let it show, let it happen."

"Busy busy listed like that. But at the time, time seemed timeless. Except time apart, which seemed endless. So long as we were together time did not matter; what we did did not matter. We did things to do them together; nothing had to be done. There was only one imperative: the two of us together.

I thought."

--Dance On My Grave, Aidan Chambers

[26 Jul 2005|10:33pm]
i'm not going to delete this journal, but i'm never going to use it again.

i'm starting my life anew.

i'd sincerely like to continue reading and commenting though, so please keep me on your friendslist.

i might start a new one; i might not. but i'll definitely add all of you then, so watch out.

[18 Jul 2005|06:19pm]
this very instant, a bird is building a nest right outside my window.
6 comments|post comment

[07 Jul 2005|06:19pm]
fuck. London's just been bombed.
4 comments|post comment

[06 Jul 2005|05:41pm]
thoughts on recently turning seventeen: absolutely none.

however, the last three days have been spent beautifully with ztrin. i now have a packet of ribbed condoms in my bag and too much chocolate in my fridge. vicks has a bottle of Bacardi Breezer in her locker. we are going to drink in school tomorrow.

the more birthdays i celebrate, the more insignificant they become. eventually i'll forget my age, if not my name. till then, without fail, i become aware of the fact certain people like me enough to actually remember, and for that i am eternally grateful.
12 comments|post comment

[26 Jun 2005|07:07pm]
part twoCollapse )

like you said, baby, we'll always have Canada.
13 comments|post comment

[25 Jun 2005|06:29pm]
canada, part oneCollapse )
27 comments|post comment

[13 Jun 2005|11:18am]
this morning i ate a million cold strawberries.
17 comments|post comment

[12 Jun 2005|01:39pm]
so i'm in Vancouver. barefoot, not eating lunch, not reading my History notes. already there's an pervading sense of loneliness i can't place.

the flight was shit, mostly because it was sixteen hours long. i spent half of it out cold, and the rest squeezed uncomfortably in the aeroplane's excuse for a chair. Vancouver is pleasant; i can't go into detail right now, but it has little cottages, road signs in French, and a full view of the Pacific.

a squirrel just darted past the window. i think i'll go out by myself in a while.

vicks and liz, it's a well-established fact that you crack me up. i have regular Internet access, so i'll try to be online at an earthly hour. same goes for you, slag.
7 comments|post comment

[10 Jun 2005|11:10pm]
ztrin and i are leaving for Canada, sweet Canada; we'll be back on the 24th this month. au revoir, folks. i'll miss you.
12 comments|post comment

[10 Jun 2005|05:53pm]
more holga shotsCollapse )
3 comments|post comment

[03 Jun 2005|08:35pm]
i've taken the MRT more this year than i ever have in a lifetime. there's a certain charm about it. bright lights, no whistle. by metal gates, i meet people with jobs to tend to, phone calls to answer. starving families, bills in letter boxes - these people have lives.

that aside, i've come to the conclusion that i genuinely and sincerely hate Economics. i hate it even more than last year's A. Maths, which i didn't think was humanly possible. if my hatred for Economics were translated into the total amount of garbage in the world's landfills, it would mean no one bothered to reuse or recycle.

edit: how does one obtain absinthe, if one is unlucky enough to live in Singapore?
11 comments|post comment

[27 May 2005|07:14pm]
light-damaged holga photographsCollapse )
14 comments|post comment

[23 May 2005|10:03pm]
Jules Feiffer:

"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"
8 comments|post comment

[17 May 2005|04:36pm]
it's been raining all day. the bus broke down twice; lights off, engine silent, then coming to life with a roar. i stepped in a puddle while walking home, and was nearly knocked over by an old man on a bicycle. i'm fine with that. old men are nice, especially when they sit on park benches eating sandwiches, and have white hair under plaid caps.

they're trimming down trees outside, machinery fervently sawing through branches. wet leaves unburnt, the smell's thick and sweet.
6 comments|post comment

[01 May 2005|10:09am]
thanks (and illicit love!) to all of you who came down to support last night. ztrin is going to cajole certain members of the audience into giving her pictures. hopefully, i'll be able to post them by next week - if tiff and i look decent, that is.

despite technical difficulties and incredibly obvious mistakes on my part, i think we played quite OK.
4 comments|post comment

[29 Apr 2005|10:11am]
today i awoke to the sound of church bells. for a second, i thought i'd died and gone to heaven, or simply fallen asleep outside a cathedral.
2 comments|post comment

dose me up [26 Apr 2005|10:21pm]
all this medication is giving me a stomachache.
3 comments|post comment

[23 Apr 2005|11:44pm]
in case you weren't aware, there are multi-coloured cardboard cows strategically placed all over Singapore.

tonight, as i attempt to complete my Literature assignment, martina is going to steal a cow. afterwards, we are going to think of creative ways to exploit it.

i particularly like the blue ones.
9 comments|post comment

[23 Apr 2005|12:37am]
my uncle passed away recently. i went to his funeral in a daze. i remember his hands; they were veined like yellow leaves, and clasped over his chest like an Egyptian mummy's. no one embalms any more.

i don't believe in an afterlife. i don't want to roast in a lake of fire or associate with angels. give me grass and cows and carnivores, O Father. please let me back into the ground.

i think the apocalypse is arriving. i cannot help but be disturbed, as i plan to die at fifty and not any earlier. knowing my luck, it'll probably happen immediately after the A Levels. i should quit school and spend the last days of my life busking in train stations, eating to the point of obesity, and spending all my university funds on swanky apparel.
6 comments|post comment

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